my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
