Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
