i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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