so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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