I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
