in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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