I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
