i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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