Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
