did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
