About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
