things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
