I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Boobs are out for the taking
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
