I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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