i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
this boner is exhausting
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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