My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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