gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
