the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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