they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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