they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
