o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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