I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
