Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I need help removing her.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
