oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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