never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
