Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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