I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
