also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
