I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
