If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
