I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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