My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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