Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
