we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
