We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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