im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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