I want to make a zoo with you.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
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