So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
