just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
