I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize