Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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