I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
