yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
