If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
