So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Randomize
