I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize