it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize