he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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