If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
someone owes me an orgasm
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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