I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize