I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
