Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
