apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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