but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize