lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize