i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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