Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
