The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
