____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
