I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
