It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Drunk is not a location!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
