my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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