Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
